Thursday, 28 June 2012

The Evil Hose Thingy....

I used to quite enjoy a bit of therapeutic watering
standing and aimlessly pointing the hose 
in the general direction of the garden
it was a few moments when I could connect with nature
then come back in the house and reward myself 
for all that gardening exertion 
with a therapeutic glass of wine

But after a few years of drought 
where the hose became a distant memory 
and the relaxation of standing and pointing
was replaced with lugging buckets and watering cans all over the place
we have had two years of crazy flooding rain
not just a bit above average rain
and trust me we would normally get quite a bit
but all year round drenching horrible mould inducing rain
if you stand still you mould up baby
and along with all that
our garden has become a jungle of epic proportions
not many flowers mind
which is a shame
because I love drawing and painting flowers
instead it is a solid wall of greens

I need one of those big cutty sabre things
 to get to the mail box every day
and we make sure we leave a note 
telling someone where we have gone into the back garden
just in case we get lost and need rescuing
you think I am kidding
but it is truly scary out there
and there has been little hose action as a result

which is just as well
because at some stage 
during the hoseless last few years
Sinus installed this hose reel thingy
which is truly the scariest piece of gardening equipment 
to ever grace this fair planet
this thing should be on the wall I think
because it rolls around as you try to get the hose out
which means you sort of have to stand over it 
with it clamped between your knees to hold it steady
while you try to pull the hose out, while it does it's very best to suck it back in
and take your hands with it

and yes it has this lever thing that is supposed to release it
but it never works
or it alternately won't feed the hose back in when you want it to
of course when you are washing the mud off the car 
 the lever decides to flip 
and the hose is ripped from your hands 
as it is sucked back into the holder at warp speed
spraying water over everyone and everything as it goes
this thing is garden evil personified
but nevertheless I am celebrating its complete contrariness
for this week's Artists Play Room
which asked us to use gardening as a theme
in the hope that it will decide to be kind to me next time
I am desperate enough  or stupid enough to use it...xx

Here is my last post in case you missed it...

Baseball Nut Green Tea...


Kathryn Zbrzezny said...

Still laughing!!! You should have seen me with my waterimg can tonight. Lets just say, I flooded my sandles.

Neesie said...

And here's me thinking it was just our hose that winds me up!!!
Such a laugh hearing about your antics and loving your entry...I'm still struggling to find and draw for my entry which is driving me crazy. At this rate I'm not going to make APR again! What's new I hear you say...I know blah, blah, blah. ;D

Giggles said...

At first I thought I was reading 50 shades of really need to get that hose under control my dear! Once upon a time I had two of those, some how they have disappeared and I can't remember why...I'm guessing this is why I never replaced them!! lol Excellent illustration and humor!! Love it!!

Hugs Giggles

Valerie-Jael said...

It sounds scary, stay inside and drink tea! Valerie

Carin said...


Roxanne said...

Hahaha! You are funnier than ever. And that sounds like my garden. Are you sure you haven't spied me toting (lugging) the watering cans to the veggie garden because we don't have an outdoor water faucet and on the way noticing those weeds in the perennial bed giving me the evil eye?

Jez said...

Enjoyed the post, and while I used to enjoy watering, I'm grateful now to sit in the flat and watch the gardeners caring for the lovely communal grounds. So there are some benefits to being old - lets one be lazy without feeling guilty. Amazed to hear you have so much rain I thought we had the monopoly on that. Probably going to rain all over the Olympics - they should know better than bringing it to UK.

Sandra Busby said...

We have one of those attached to the wall. It's huge! But still, handy! At the end of February we had a hose pipe ban - on the very day it was announced, the heavens opened and it rained continuously for three months! People where driving through rivers - and yes, all this but still a hose pipe ban! The last couple of weeks have finally brought some dry, but very humid weather and at last we can use the hose pipe again! Loving the drawing! Oh and I brought some twinnings fruit tea today. They were on offer at just 30p a pack!

Melisa said...

I've been wanting one of those because DH always leaves our hose strung out across the yard. He reasons that he'll have to use it again tomorrow, so why put it away? So it never lasts long before it's leaking and he's too cheap to replace it. Of course, I'd rather have a non-evil one.

Unknown said...

Funny as always!! I must be sure to not let the hubby see your post, because he'd surely be off in sure of one of those contraptions!!! Thanks for the smile :)

Unknown said...

Too funny! That would make a great illustration in a children's story ... Which only you could tell!!!

Darla said...

I feel your pain. I need to go out and water the yard this morning and we (unfortunately) own one of those curly hoses. I'll trade you that tangled mess for your green thing, ok?

Loved your illustration.


WrightStuff said...

Tracey and Lisa Switched at Birth episode 47

In which they get tangled up in the garden.

I've just been outside wresting with the bindweed again. I'm telling you I swear I got it all out a few weeks ago. You turn you back and it rains for a few weeks solidly and suddenly the garden has disappeared under it...

We have a funny hose thing too. You have to manually wind ours back up though and it likewise involves some giggery with knees holding it in place and much wrestling, shouting and general mayhem. I have tried snake charming it (but that didn't work either - I just woke up the worms).

Anonymous said...

well its beautifully painted , I'm thinking of the snakes that might be in that jungle ,, are there snakes, I applaud you for letting Nature take control and have its way, I feel bad about the flowers though, maybe a few pots at the house,

Serena Lewis said...

Those hose thingies need to come with a warning label...USE AT YOUR OWN PERIL! lol Great sketch tho!

Gloria j Zucaro said...

I laughed through your post Tracey! Hoses themselves are evil. They always kink up so that you have to walk all the way back and unkink. Then they inevitably end up lying down on the stems of a flower and crunch it all to pieces. And worst of all is trying to put it away! No matter how I try it refuses to go in those nice neat circles for the whole hose. It turns back on itself and makes figure 8's instead! I give up! Just throw it on the ground and forget it!

Alice said...

hahahahahaha! your post title was the perfect prelude into you post - i love it! too funny! i can almost see little horns sticking out of the top of the canister :)

Jennifer McLean said...

I don't do gardens. I like them, but I don't do them. I won't even water, lol. I'll do windows but not gardens. Don't let the green monster eat your hand, be the master of the green monster, beat it into submission! hehehe. Good luck sweetie. (I owe you an email!!)

minnemie said...

Hahaha! I will remember NOT to buy one of those and keep living happily with the tangled hose-mess we have. But monster that it is, your artistic rendition flatters it.

Terrie said...

I don't know which is worse, the hose reel thingy or just having the hose snaking around all over the yard. OR, having to manually coil it up in a tidy little pile under the faucet. OR, taking the hose off the faucet after each use and putting it in the garage. You'd think with all the rain in Seattle, we wouldn't need hoses, but au contraire!

Mostly we let the yard/beds take care of themselves, but I have lots of pots on my deck w/ flowers and those have to be watered so I schlep my 2 gallon bucket from the kitchen sink to the deck, back and forth. Sounds like we all need an inventor - a better mousetrap so to speak! :) (love the drawing by the way)

TwinkleToes2day said...

That was so very funny! Great title, great pictures :)
Leave a trail of pebbles next time you venture out, or tie some string to the back door handle, hehe :0)

Rita said...

It looks like a couple of your posts never showed up in my blogger reader! What the heck! :(

I could just picture the hose thingie snatching and rolling and spraying away! A dangerous contraption, indeed. ;)

Alicia C said...

OMG I am dying.... too funny... here's to useless inventions :D