Thursday, 17 November 2011

Phantom and the monster wave

Oh I have a sad tale to tell you today... My darling Phantom.... the daughter that I have loved and cherished, indulged and supported through multiple bizarre name changes, the daughter I get up at 5.30am to make breakfast for... yes you read right... she still gets breakfast made for her at 15 years old, and delivered on a tray no less so the precious little poppet doesn't have to move her little butt from the couch!!! This golden child turned on me horribly yesterday... so horribly all I have been able to do today is eat popcorn and make a necklace and ring or two... no drawing, no creativity, no feeling like I am settling the world on fire... just feeling sorry for myself... though of course I am still grateful to be alive... I give you the sad tale of Phantom and the monster wave ...




It all started so well... exams were done for the year, we are on the home stretch to holidays and the weather is perfect for an after school swim, we are in the pool having a fine time, chatting about the day and lazily having a float, when Phantom decides to play some weird game under the water trying to expel all her breath and see if she comes to the surface or if she stays down there... now perhaps as a parent I should have frowned on this practice but hey she is big enough and ugly enough to take care of herself... so she can explore what ever crazy idea she wants to... this parenting technique has worked out just fine so far, so I see no reason to change it at this point in time. After a few minutes of bobbing in the water like some maniacal cork Phantom leads into a conversation on floating and I happen to bring up that despite the fact that Phantom appears to be probably the most coordinated and talented person ever, she is not the world's best floater.... I on the other hand have been genetically blessed with enough padding to create a built in buoyancy that is one of my few claims to fame.... 


Now I don't know if it was the waft of chlorine or if I was just lulled into a sense of well-being due to the balmy weather but I made the statement that...


I am so good at floating I could float in 30 foot seas
really Mum you are that good
uh huh... I am the queen of floating
care to test that theory
what theory
that you could float in 30 foot seas
no problem child bring it on...



So at this point you are all getting a sense of where this sad tale is heading, but for the sake of completeness if this is needed as testimony in court I will continue. So Phantom arms herself with the body board and I flip onto my back, gazing confidently at the perfect blue skies...

and get hit by the world's biggest wave
ever recorded in a pool
this sucker was a gazillion feet high
little skinny not an ounce of fat on her Phantom
managed to create waves of perfect storm proportions 
in about 20seconds flat
I was hit by a wall of water that forced water into my brain
via my sinuses
promptly followed by
a huge gulping mouthful that led to my lungs
to be nicely filled with said wave
I did manage to keep floating, though it was a close run thing
and not for long
and accompanied by maniacal laughter I tried to regain some dignity and glare down the
ungrateful little sod
while water streamed from nose, ears, eyes and lungs
in a rather undignified manner

thinking you may not be the queen of the float then Mum
those waves were so high I thought I saw George Clooney
really from here they looked like gentle lapping ripples
gentle lapping ripples!!! I will give you gentle lapping ripples

I am not proud to say that from that point on it degenerated into a scene resembling 5 year old boys, fighting, splashing, creating waves, and basically trying to drown each other... the madness was finally stopped by the dog deciding it was time to see what all the commotion was and consider joining in the fun... If he hadn't added his calming presence I'm really not sure where it would have ended... though I think I was getting the upper hand...


All night I had to suffer mutters under the breath of ... queen of the float huh... and the like... no one seemed to care that she tried to kill me... that I was almost drowned by a vicious little pixie... an almost victim of patricide..I tell you I am scarred for life... never again can I feel safe in the pool when Phantom is around... 
I just don't know how I will recover from this one... If my posts suddenly cease, then you know I have succumbed belatedly to complications and this is my testimony... do with it what you think is best xx

27 comments:

Serena said...

ROTFLMAO....hilarious post! You poor dear...I know all about ungrateful offspring so you have my sympathy ~ ;)

Mushu is too cute! Btw, my son was just walking past my computer and spotted the pic of Mushu and asked if it was our Cody?

Jaime Haney aka ArtsyFartsy.Me said...

You have heard of dry drowning, right? hee hee

Seriously though, can I be your daughter? I'd love breakfast brought to me on a platter ;)

I thought I was the queen of float! I float like Ivory Soap. Glad you have seemed to recover, physically at least ;) funny story.

tammy vitale said...

Nothing like having kids to show you who's in charge. And if you really want to see power in action- wait til the grandkids show up! ;]

rajns (carolyn) said...

I'd like to point out that her wave was not like a 30 ft. wave in the ocean- and on that technicality I think you should retain your title of queen of the float. I imagine you implied 30 foot waves in open water, not 30 foot waves crashing on the beach. I too can float but nobody can float where the waves crash. Since it was a pool (and I assume not a world's biggest pool) the waves were crashing and that test is null and void. I declare you Queen of the Float!

Linda Starr said...

I know only too well how you feel this happened t me as a child and to this day I am afraid of someone playing rough house with me in a pool or any body of water. What a day that was for you both I hope you're both friends again.

Stephanie Mealor Corder said...

I almost spat coffee all over my keyboard while reading this- thanks as always for the laugh and so glad you're not a victim of patricide!
xx
Stephanie

Terrie said...

OMG! You've missed your calling! You should be writing a parenting book. You're really a writer, not an artist. No, wait. You're an artist AND a writer, lucky you! This is so funny; you started my day with a LOL moment, and those are rare at 6am! Art....who needs it today? You made me smile!

Nigel said...

Hilariously told and well worth missing your artwork for!

I have to say that you're doing something wrong - you should have her trained to bring breakfast to you ;)

Christine said...

So funny.....thanks for the smile and the laugh.. yet the truth rings through...my 18 and 14 year old can attest to that...

many hugs.

That Girl Designs said...

Ha! Too funny. Making memories of the best kind.

Lynn Richards said...

I love, love the days of summer and pools and water and beaches....the best memories ever with my girls were in those scenarios, and continue to be. Even if I end up like a drowned rat!
xo
lynn

Elin said...

I´m having trouble writing because I laugh to much :)

Sounds great to be playing in the pool in november - my husband and daughter just went skiing.

Kristen (Creative Stash) said...

love this story. you are an amazingly creative writer. i just love reading along. thanks for the morning laugh!

pauline said...

Tracey, i loved your writing as much as your artwork!! You are definitely a writer as well as an artist.

Thanks for posting such a great story. I have a 15 year old son (Alex) so trust me - i can relate to you!! And you have my deepest sympathy. LOL!! xoxo

Anne said...

Great story! What a mean little monster you have there.

MollyGirl said...

Too funny! You deserve a week of breakfast brought on the tray after that!! :-)

Someday you'll have to put all these great vignettes into a book and publish it!

Cynthia Eloise said...

lol, thanks.

Jen@small matters said...

That is too funny! Thanks for the laugh.

Diana Evans said...

oh wow!!! this is so much fun....the water makes some amazing art with those ripples....

you are a riot!!!!

Cat @ sea.sky.stone. said...

Little Mushu saved you from a possible watery end--he's my hero! I think he deserves a little doggy superhero cape.

Cynthia Schelzig said...

Well I am still laughing...so it was a good post.
I love all the aqua nuances on your wave shots and I LOVE the doggie shot...you MUST paint that for sure!! I am glad you recovered from such an ordeal:)

VonnyK said...

What a meanie she is to do that to such a lovely mum. It's the hormones you know and I hate to tell you but my miss 20 is still going. Hope you have recovered now and able to pick up a brush. Make her bring you tea all weekend!!

giddy up said...

Oh my, what a great story... I too thinks she needs to bring you tea all weekend :)

Tracy said...

Oh MY! LMAO! I believe that child deserves a big dish of warm humble hooey pie served up with payback sauce. I agree that you ought to write a book on these escapades.

I will not let my kids read this because I do not want them to a) get any ideas from Phantom and b) think I'll be serving them breakfast on a tray.

I shudder to think when I have two teenagers in the house. This February my Flying Freckle turns 13 and he's become a pretty saucy character. I'll blame that on his Dad's genes.

Sarah Anderson said...

may you rest in peace ;) lol, what an event!!

Robin Panzer Art said...

LOL funny story and that little dog..well you know how I feel about the doggies...too precious for words! I love that you have so much fun with your daughter, the love is apparent!

Precious Worker said...

Love it!! You sure can write!Very entertaining and lifted my spirits considerably. Thanks. Love the dog.